Sorry, but if I just wrote a hit new musical, & my name is a household term, I'm going to have the fame going to my head. Maybe I'll be egotistical and self centered. Who isn't? Or maybe, I'll be down to earth and not care. I don't know, nor can I say. All I know is that I am one tiny molecule in this giant world.
Currently Listening To: Swing, Swing by the All American Rejects
Weird mood. FML is my new catch phrase. Being grounded is my daily routine. Happily taken is my relationship status. Disappointment floods my being. Yeah. Life sucks, & its the new year. & I'm spending it alone in my room. Fuck.
Disclaimer: I'm angry. I will use fuck often. Don't like it, don't read it.
So. Boyfriend. New thing, right? Yeah. I don't do well with relationships & commitments. I would say I feel like this time is different, but I've said that all too often in the past. I'm living this one moment to moment. And did I mention? He's awesome.
So why am I not with him on this night? Why, he's in New Orleans, partying with his family and friends. Which I am really jealous of him for. I love that city. More than Los Angeles. I miss it so incredibly much. And, I think, I miss him too. Weird feeling for me, really. But anyways. I need to vent and talk about a bunch of stuff, so here goes. This is uncensored, and I don't give a fuck.
So here's to a happy new year.
December 26, 2oo9;; 11:30pm ---
Me & my boyfriend leave from where we were to go home. I'm in a place where I have never been. I'm looking for signs on how to get back to the highway. Apparently, from what I was told, I run a red light. My eyes meet the person in the car before me. Panic, fear, and utter confusion strike their face. I hit their car, and get in an accident, my boyfriend as an eye witness. I call my parents. Second time I've ever had to do this. FML.
December 26, 2oo9;; 11:33pm ---
I try to get out of my car. My seatbelt is locked, & luckily the air bag didn't go off (which means I was going less than 30mph). I can't open my door, but my window still works. Some kid runs over to my car to see if I'm okay. He's kind of cute, & was the one who called it in. But I want my boyfriend. And that's all I was asked consistently for three hours. If I'm okay. I'm walking. I'm fine. I start to freak out because of my anxiety disorder. I see my boyfriend, & I start to calm down a little bit.
December 26, 2oo9;; 11:36pm ---
My boyfriend, Mark, tries to open my door, but can't. I have to give my information to the police officer through my window. Mark decides I should climb over the passenger seat & get out. I do. I can barely walk, so he has to hold me up. Its freezing balls off outside. I finally see what damage was done. My front bumper is destroyed. The driver side door of the other car is a perfect mirror image to my car, bent inwards at a cresent moon shape. The police officer takes Mark from me. I freak out again.
December 26, 2oo9;; 11:42pm ---
I get asked what happened, & I tell them what I've already typed out. They ask if I was distracted; food, ipod, texting. I honestly tell them I wasn't. Their faces show that they think otherwise. Fuck them. I get to stand with Mark again, and I kind of stop freaking out. More 'are you okay' questions. I hate this.
December 26, 2oo9;; 11:50pm ---
The police officer can tell I'm flipping my shit. He tells me I can sit in his car to get warm. Yes, that's what I want to do officer. Sit in the back of your police car, and feel like a criminal. Because I don't already feel like shit enough. I tell him that's not an option, that I need to stand by my boyfriend. He says that a tow truck will be coming to take the other car away. He tells me to stand by his car, and not move. Continuously checking back to see if I move. Like I'm going to run. He already has my information. What would running do?
December 26, 2oo9;; 11:57pm ---
The tow truck finally gets there. And takes the other car away. Now I'm standing in front of the police car, watching as they take the kid's car away. All I feel is cold. I'm shaking because of my anxiety, which ironically, warms me up. Odd. The policeman says they're going to move my car away now, and move it to the side. I say okay, half heartedly listening to him. I just want Mark. Which is so weird for me. I've never felt so dependent on someone before. Especially not my boyfriend of exactly two weeks. A little attached? Maybe. But I was scared out of my mind. I've never been in an accident before. Fender bender once before, but never like this. Mark has to drive my car over the to side, because I can't. He's a good boyfriend.
December 27, 2oo9;; 12:05pm ---
The policeman says I have to get out of the middle of the road. Where he told me to stand before. Fucking make up your mind, stupid. So he tells me I can ride over with Mark. I completely agree to that. I sit in his truck trembling, and he holds me. I'm about to cry at this moment, but he keeps me together. And keeps telling me that everything is going to be okay. Oddly, this cliche sounds brand new to me when he says it. Same with him asking if I'm okay. Never have I ever valued someone being there for me so much. We move off to the side of the road, and wait for my parents.
December 27, 2oo9;; 12:13pm ---
My parents get there. What a way to meet my parents, boyfriend. FML. My daddy checks out the car. The police man says its driveable. So my mom climbs in to drive it. My parents thank Mark for staying with me this entire time. He leaves. I start crying as he drives off. Why? I don't know. But I get into my dad's truck, and we follow my mom home.
December 27, 2oo9;; 3:00am ---
Mark calls me and lets me know he's home. Why did it take him three hours to get home, you ask? It didn't. It took him twenty minutes. The previous actions were how quickly I felt them go by. Really, all that took around two and a half hours or so. But I start crying, telling him how I'm expecting him to break up with me. That he's endured enough with me. He says he's not going anywhere, and he wouldn't break up with me for something silly like that. Then I start crying because he's such an amazing person. We hang up. I feel my neck hurting worse and worse. I don't think its normal to feel your pulse in your vertebrae. Especially around the 1C - 3C region, if you know anything about the neck. I decide that a visit to the hospital may not be so bad.
December 27, 2oo9;; 11:00am ---
I wake up with my neck killing me. But I decide against the hospital. Going there would only make last night more real, and tangible. Right now, I don't want that, so I decide against it. Mark & about 4 of his friends text me, making sure I'm okay. I like him. A lot. He treats me well. But in about 4 hours, my family is coming over for our Christmas party. Swell. I get ready, and paint a happy face on. And get knocked up on pain killers. Shit, I don't think its good for you to not feel your feet. But its better than the hospital.
December 31, 2oo9;; 3:23pm ---
I'm scheduled to attend a New Year's party tonight with my sister/best friend. She calls to make plans, or maybe I call her. I go to ask my mom if she can pick me up. Our car was taken in this morning, and totalled. FUCK MY UNIMPORTANT LIFE. Obviously, I'm grounded.
December 31, 2oo9;; 11:04pm ---
I've been informed I'm not allowed to have my iPod in the car. Ever. No big deal. My parents think I was occupied. Asking me how I missed a red light. I can't answer that. How do you miss a red light? It's easier than you think. But my parents, my insurance agent, and I are to draw up a contract with all these legalities regarding my driving. I understand that I got in an accident. But it happens. No one got hurt. Everyone gets in accidents. Even the cop said so. I realize its a little more than that. But a contract? Regarding my driving because I got into my first ever accident? I'm sorry. It just seems a bit drastic for me.
December 31, 2oo9;; 11:23pm ---
The current time. Fuck my life. Fuck.
And right now, my boyfriend is in New Orleans, my favorite city of all time. He's got plenty of beads, & I'm sure has given plenty away. Oh, and he's drunk off his ass. But I'm not really concerned at all. I trust him. I'm just utterly jealous that he gets to ring in the New Year in my city. Damn him :)
I've been in a weird and pissed off mood all day, really. Its been a blah day. And I'm sick. We now have one car. And no one is telling me anything. I'm trying to help. But I can't do a damn thing when no one is giving me anything to work with. Right now, I hate my life.
And I was looking back on this year, to relive any memories, if possible. So here's just a run through of this year, 2oo9, for me, Deegin Moyle.
January - Can't remember. I'd imagine it to be cold. Almost dated a boy with a girlfriend. That was interesting.
February - I hate Valentine's Day. Its stupid taken or single. Took the ACT. Got a 29 :)
March - I can't remember anything. Mom's birthday, & March madness. Research paper.
April - Spring break. I got drunk for the first time in my lifetime. Played apples to apples. Ha.
May - 17th birthday. Finished Junior year. Met stupidface & I'm introduced to a drug dealer's life. Wish I would have cared. I have 3 guys stringing along. I'm a terrible person. I get worse.
June - Dated stupidface. I fell for him. I get wasted at my best friend's sister's 20th birthday party. I invite him, apparently. At said party, this kid I've met once tells me he's in love with me. Awkward. I'm not single. Two weeks later, stupidface breaks up with me because I wouldn't fuck him. Sucks for you, shithead.
July - One night stand to numb the pain? Didn't work well. Mistake? Oh yes.
August - Senior year started. I'm on top of the world.
September - Met my friend, Tamika. I love her. Worked at the haunted hayride. I meet Mark, & his friend Alex. God is Mark sexy. At this point, I have 8 guys at my fingertips.
October - Fell for a boy at the hayride. I've wanted to ride his 4 wheeler for a year now. I finally get the balls to ask him. We exchange numbers, & I get to know him. He had a girlfriend. Fuck him. I've got 7 guys now. Damn.
November - My manager who I've been extremely attracted to since forever suddenly finds that I'm awesome. No shit. Took him long enough. But I start to like him for him, not just his looks. Too bad he's normal, and horny all the time. Back to having 8 guys again. I'm set. Thanksgiving. Day after, I go shopping with my cousin. We go over to Mark's house. I take my cousin home, & I go back over to watch a movie. We make out. What the fuck? Yeah. Turns out I didn't like my manager as much as I had thought.
December - Festival of lights, I start dating Mark, quite possibly one of the greatest people to enter my life. Car accident. New Year's Eve. Fuck.
Well. My life is uneventful in all fashions. It's filled with boys. That's it. Meh. It happens. I've changed my ways. I've learned a lot this year. I just hope next year is better. Here's to another year with my virginity :) & hopefully a long and meaningful relationship with a spectacular guy.
7 minutes till the ball drops. Till 2010 rolls in. Till 4 1/2 months left of high school. Till summer. Till college. Till commitment. Till term papers. Till the real world. Till being on my own. Till living my life. Till making my own decisions. Till hopefully not fucking up. Till hopefully making the right choices for my life. Till I plan my future, while maintaining the present.
I don't wanna grow up.
Me in the middle
Baby piggies? How cute can you get? Seriously. There is Nothing more touching and adorable than two little piglets painting their faces.
1) Deegin always tries first.